I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
