dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
