I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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