sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
