I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
