gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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