Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize