Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
