You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Randomize
