I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
you traded sex for a burrito?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
