Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
