So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
