Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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