i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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