No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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