On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
