I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
