Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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