Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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