but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
