so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
