my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
