You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
