Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
