I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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