Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
