Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
