just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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