So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
