If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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