Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
