Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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