John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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