Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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