I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize