There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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