I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
