If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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