I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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