Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
