i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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