I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
