the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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