wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize