Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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