Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
