Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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