My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
a search helicopter?!
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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