if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
