she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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