I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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