i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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