My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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