when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
