I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize