Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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