I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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