Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
