she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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