My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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