Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
