I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
