He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
