Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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