theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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