if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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