I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
my being single is dangerous.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
