Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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