currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
