I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
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